Fresh Tweets We Stole From the Bird App (September 17, 2022)

Back in seventh grade I didn’t have many friends. Another thing I lacked was any kind of allowance. My mom gave me $1 a day for school lunch, while the other kids were able to walk around the neighborhood with five big ones, buying pizza or doughnuts for their lunch. Some girls would even make the trek to CVS or Rite Aid and spend their ample “lunch” money on makeup. 

Because I wasn’t blessed with cash, I started stealing. First I stole ice cream from the crowded delis at lunch hour. Then it was makeup. And I wasn’t even stealing it for myself. I stole little gifts for the girls in my class in the hopes that they’d want to be my friend if I gave them the latest mascara or lip gloss. And while it kinda worked, eventually I was caught while Sheryl Crow’s “Soak Up the Sun” played over the store’s crappy speakers. I cried. And cried. And for some reason the store manager took pity on me and let me go. I didn’t steal (much) after that. 

While stealing makeup as a teenager may have been chill for a while, nowadays I mostly steal memes and tweets, to share with the likes of you. I’m like the Robin Hood of content. And here’s our latest batch of pilfered tweets. You’re welcome.